The Plankton Menace
by Drunk on Tang
Summary: Spoof of Episode 1. Nuff Said.
1. A Painful Beginning

Chapter 1: The Painful Beginning  
  
"Tell the Viceroy that we wish to board immediately," a robed figure ordered from the shadows.  
  
"But Sir, we haven't even exited hyperspace yet!" the captain of the Republic Transport replied urgently.  
  
"Ignore me, I'm just practicing my lines," the figure ordered.  
  
"Master, Master, I saw an icky bug in the cargo area," a smaller figure whined.  
  
"Shush, Obi-Wan! I'm practicing for my assertiveness seminar," the Jedi Master rebuked.  
  
"But Master Qui-Gon, what if the icky bug touches me?! He's all dirty!"  
  
Obi-Wan asked.  
  
"A little bug won't kill won't kill you, you little twerp!" Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master replied.  
  
"Sir!" the captain interrupted. "We're coming out of hyperspace!"  
  
"Strap in, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon ordered.  
  
Just then, the ship jerked out of hyperspace, throwing Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to the front of the ship.  
  
"That's gotta hurt," the copilot laughed to the pilot. 


	2. Return of the Spade Federation

Chapter 2: The Return of the Spade Federation  
  
"We have Jedi coming to my assertiveness convention?!" Nute Gunray screamed.  
  
"Yes Sir," a droid replied in its mechanized tone.  
  
"But this means we will need 147,851 more toilets!" Gunray yelled.  
  
"Toilets?" a nearby Duro asked, clearly confused.  
  
"Yes, toilets, you nimwad!" Gunray yelled. "Those Jedi go to the bathroom a lot!"  
  
"But Sir, only 2 Jedi are coming," the Duro countered.  
  
"2 JEDI! I thought there was only one! We'll need 100,000,000,000,001 toilets now!" Gunray yelled histaricly.  
  
"But Sir, the Spade Federation Flagship doesn't have that many toilets," a droid complained.  
  
"Then we're going to Toiletries R' Us!" Nute Gunray yelled psychotically. 


	3. Mice and Osprey Cantina

Chapter 3: A Visit To The Sith Retirement Home  
  
"Hello grandfather, how are you today?" Darth Maul asked his grandfather. "Well," Darth Sidious, Darth Maul's grandfather, replied in a raspy voice, "I forgot my name again, it hurts when I breathe, and another one of my friends died today. Plus, I don't even remember the lock combination for the windows, doors, and the refrigerator." "Here, grandfather," a figure encased in jet black body armor replied. "Who are you?!" Darth Maul and Sidious asked. "I am your father," the figure replied. Suddenly, George Lucas rushed on stage and yelled, "Hey, Darth Vader, you're not in this scene! Get offstage!" "So, this isn't Cloud City?" Darth Vader asked. 


	4. Experience

Chapter 4: Experience  
  
"I knew we should have taken a left at Albuquerque!" Qui-Gon yelled as he looked over his gin. Obi-Wan looked up from the road map to reply, "Actually, Master, your directions were completely wrong. And Master, may I suggest you stop drinking?" "But I am Qui-Gon Gin, the King of Gin!" Qui-Gon yelled. "Master, I really must insist," Obi-Wan continued. "FOR THAT INSOLENCE, YOU WILL DIE!" Qui-Gon interrupted. Qui-Gon ignited his lightsaber and charged Obi-Wan. As Obi-Wan dodged, he decided it was time to pull out the "big guns". Obi-Wan tore off his robes, revealing a disco suit, and used the force to shape his hair into an afro. Then, as Qui-Gon tried to remove himself from a band of irate Hutts, Obi-Wan began his super disco moves. Seeing the disco moves, Qui-Gon began to melt. "Aaaagh! I'm melting! He has that full head of hair, and he can dance!" Qui-Gon screamed. "Yes! I have the Super Disco Afro of the Light Side, and you have a wig that looks like a hamster," Obi-Wan yelled as he pulled out Qui-Gon's hair. "Oops! I guess that was real hair." Suddenly, a small boy and a man encased in jet black armor ran onset. "Luke, I am your father," the two announced in unison as they ran back offstage. * * * Obi-Wan wandered through Mos Espa, looking for a rental spaceship lot. Suddenly he happened upon the perfect place, Jimi Hendrix's rental spaceship lot. "Yo, Jimi!" Obi-Wan yelled as he entered the lot. "Obi, dude," Jimi replied. "How is my main man ? I see you finally took care of Qui-Gon. I like it, man. Its ice!" "Yah, so man, you got any rental spaceships?" Obi-Wan asked. "Oh yah, dude. I got all the stuff, man," Jimi replied. After looking around the lot for pie^pie hours, Obi-Wan announced, "I would like to rent a Purple Haze in periwinkle." "I'm sorry dudem but the Haze only comes in purple," Jimi replied. "Only purple! Not even salmon or mauve?" Obi-Wan complained. "That rots!" "Oh, it does, man," Jimi replied. "Before you go, dude, lets play!" Jimi yelled. The rest of Jimi's band came out, and 2 roadies gave Obi-Wan and Jimi each an electric guitar. They started into Voodoo Child, Hendrix his normal genius self, and Obi-Wan sounding like a drunken banshee. Suddenly, Lucas Arts employees ran onscene and grabbed Jimi Hendrix and his band. "Yes, I have finally caught you three," George Lucas yelled. "Now if I could just catch the rest of the hooligans." "Noooo! Jimi!" Obi-Wan yelled as he filleted a flamingo on his lightsaber. "Hmm, tastes just like chicken." * * * "Obi-Wan lifted his periwinkle Purple Haze off the landing pad and set a course for Naboo. "I knew Jimi had a Purple Haze in periwinkle," Obi-Wan thought Suddenly a tye-dyed ship blasted for space, followed by a swarm of Lucas Arts employees in Golf Carts. "Phone home, Jimi!" Obi-Wan yelled as he watched the Experienced fly away. 


	5. Torture, Torture, Torture

Chapter 5: Torture, Torture, Torture  
  
"Ah, Jedi Kenobi, it is nice to see you again. I see you finally completed the job you accepted. As soon as I get the film of Qui-Gon's death, the money will be deposited to your account," Nute Gunray whispered. "I was ordered by the council to kill Qui-Gon, but a financial reward can't hurt," Obi-Wan replied as he gave the film of Qui-Gon's death to Gunray. "However, Viceroy, if this gets out to ANYONE, yours will be the next head to roll." Obi-Wan left the Viceroy and began to mingle with the other Assertiveness Seminar attendees. Suddenly, the flagship shook violently, sending everyone flying. "What's happening?" Obi-Wan asked Nute Gunray, who had been thrown into Obi-Wan. "That stupid Amidala is attacking my flagship! This is war!" Nute Gunray yelled. "Do you know why she is attacking?" Obi-Wan asked. "Because she thinks she is the Queen of Naboo!" Gunray screamed. "But isn't she?" Obi-Wan asked, confused. "Well yes., but she shouldn't be!" Gunray replied. Obi-Wan sighed as he thought to himself, "The galaxy is being run by two year olds and imbeciles!" "Can you get me a ship to the surface?" Obi-Wan asked. "My ride isn't groovy enough. "Sure," Nute replied as he tossed Obi-Wan his keys. "Fill her up before you return her!" "No problem!" Obi-Wan replied as he ran towards Nute's garage. * * * "I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of." David Cassidy sang, accompanied by Tusken Death shriek voice. Obi-Wan swerved back and forth across the space lanes, oblivious to the world, including the many gestures and words directed at him for his driving, music, and singing voice. The music was so loud, Nute Gunray could hear it from his flagship. And as he heard the music, Nute asked himself, "Why did I ever, ever, buy that 8-track and David Cassidy cassettes for my Mustang Convertible 88,000b luxury edition?!" * * * One hour and 43 collisions later, Obi-Wan landed at the Naboo Palace. Waiting to greet him were Queen Amidala, Boss Nass, Captain Tarpals, Jar Jar Binks, Captain Panaka, and Nute Gunray. "Nute, how did you get down here before me?!" Obi-Wan asked, confused. "Oh, I teleported down. Its wonderful technology," Nute replied. "But since you teleported down, flying down is uncool!" Obi-Wan cried. "Actually, it's the other way around," Queen Amidala replied. "Teleporting is uncool." A mob of Naboo citizens rushed onset, chanting, "Burn the uncool one at the stake," as they dragged Nute Gunray away. "Thank you, Queen Amidala," Obi-Wan replied. "You have completed one part of my mission. Now, I will complete the next." Obi-Wan dashed onto his ship, pulling Jar Jar Binks along with him. As Obi-Wan lifted off his ship, he ordered into his comlink, "Open fire." Space distorted, and a large tye-dyed space cruiser, the Foxy Lady, piloted by Jimi Hendrix, uncloaked and opened fire on Naboo and the Spade Federation Flagship. "Yousa saved mesa life!" Jar Jar thanked Obi-Wan. "You annoyed me, so I wanted you to suffer," Obi-Wan replied. Jar Jar let out a long, terrified whimper. * * * Obi-Wan landed at the Sith Retirement Home, and evil glint in his eye. The sith would make this experience pleasurable. "What is it you want, Jedi?" a sith guard asked. "I have a new creature for the sith retirees to have fun with," Obi- Wan replied. "And what would you wish in return?" the guard asked cynically. "All I ask is for a good effort to be placed on torturing this creature and that I am allowed to watch and film this torture unharmed. Leave him alive till the very end," Obi-Wan replied. "With pleasure," the guard replied. Jar Jar let out a long, terrified shriek. 


	6. The Endless Sands

Chapter 6: The Endless Sands (And Cement)  
  
"Thanks for the pierogis!" Obi-Wan yelled to the Jawas. He had crashed on Tatooine a few days before and had traded the remains of the ship to some Jawas in return for transport to Mos Espa. The trip aboard the Sandcrawler had been interesting, with wild drinking parties and aggressive gambling, in which Obi-Wan had won several thousand credits. Obi-Wan surveyed his surroundings. The Jawas said they had dropped him off on the outskirts of Mos Espa, but the only thing Obi-Wan could see was the endless sand. "Mos Espa has been obliterated!" Obi-Wan exclaimed. "Actually, it's behind you," a sadistic voice sneered. "You're looking the wrong way." Obi-Wan turned to see Qui-Gon and Queen Amidala standing side by side. "I see you both survived your demises," Obi-Wan stated. "I love it when you state the obvious," Qui-Gon sneered. "I barely survived your assault!" Queen Amidala shrieked. "I can change that," Obi-Wan replied. As Obi-Wan reached for his lightsaber, Qui-Gon put his hand on Obi- Wan's hand and asked, "May I?" "Of course," Obi-Wan replied. In the blink of an eye, Qui-Gon had his lightsaber out and had sliced Amidala into 27 pieces. "Thank you," Obi-Wan replied. "I have to go, but I'll visit some other time." "You're welcome. Please come visit again," Qui-Gon replied. *** "Excuse me, but do you have any starships on sale?" Obi-Wan asked an obese, blue toydarian. "Why yes, we have a nice, little Z-80 fightercraft with a hyperdrive for only 3,000,000.000001 credits," the toydarian replied. Obi-Wan checked his credit pouch, only to realize he only had 3 thousand credits. "I'm sorry, but I'm a little short," Obi-Wan replied. "Is there anyway I can work for a little extra money?" "Yes, yes. Talk to Ani," the toydarian replied, pointing to a young boy. "Excuse me, but your boss told me to talk to you about a short-term job," Obi-Wan told Anakin. "Yes," Anakin replied. "I have a pod that I race for Master Watto. I hate the racing, but Watto makes me keep racing because I always win. Would you race in place off me? I'll pay whatever you are short by on the ship if you finish the race," Anakin offered. "I accept," Obi-Wan replied. "By the way, how did you know I was short on the ship?" "I'm a thief and a pickpocket. Eavesdropping comes with the job," Anakin shrugged. *** "I thought you said this was a PODRACE!" Obi-Wan exclaimed. "It was," Anakin explained. "All the pods were stolen, so we pulled out some stock cars, grabbed some stock car drivers, and created a cement tri-oval. We call it Mos Espa Intergalactic Speedway." "I'm still racing, right?" Obi-Wan asked "Yah, you're the number 00 Intergalactic Fuel cells Dodge," Anakin replied. "You better get in your car, the race is about to start!" Obi-Wan climbed in his car just in time to hear some of the most famous words in racing. "Drivers, start your engines!" the president of some company announced. *** "So Obi, what were you thinking when Jeff Gordon wrecked on Lap 1, taking out the entire field except you, putting you in the lead, and putting himself out of the race and in last permanently?" a reporter asked Obi-Wan as he stood in Victory Circle celebrating the win with his team. "Well, I want to thank my sponsors, Intergalactic Fuel cells and dodge." Obi-Wan began.  
  
PS: You may not get the ending unless you watch auto racing. If you want me to explain, ask me. 


	7. When The Insane Go Camping

Chapter 7: When The Insane Go Camping  
  
"Aah, don't you love the outdoors?" Mace asked his fellow council members.  
  
The council had been discussing the inflation rate of pierogis when Mace, Adi, Plo, and Ki-Adi decided to go camping.  
  
Now they stood in the middle of nowhere, trying to figure out how to set up their tents.  
  
Mace and Adi noticed that Plo and Ki-Adi were having trouble resisting the urge to light their tent on fire, so Mace said, "Adi and I will set up the tents. You two make a fire."  
  
"F.fire!" Plo and Ki-Adi yelled in unison as they dashed into the forest, searching for firewood.  
  
"Are you sure you should have done that?" Adi asked. "They might go and burn down the forest."  
  
"Don't worry, we have plenty of water," Mace replied.  
  
"W.w.water?" Adi asked nervously. "Water, where?"  
  
"In the river down the hill," Mace replied.  
  
"Just keep the water down there," Adi replied.  
  
***  
  
The four Jedi Masters sat around the fire, eating Smore's and listening to each other tell ghost stories.  
  
"I love Smore's," Mace stated, patting his stomach, which had swollen to many times its normal size.  
  
"Mace, if I hadn't seen you eat all those Smore's, I would swear that you were 8 months pregnant!" Adi exclaimed.  
  
"Well, lets make that 9 months!" Mace announced as he reached for more Smore's.  
  
"I'm gonna hit the sack early," Plo announced.  
  
"Me too," Ki-Adi chimed in.  
  
***  
  
"Wake up," Plo whispered to Ki-Adi. "Mace and Adi are asleep!"  
  
"You sure?" Ki-Adi asked.  
  
"Positive," Plo replied. "Pull out the big guns."  
  
Plo and Ki-Adi opened their bags, revealing that they were full of fireworks.  
  
"Operation Floppy Bunny Ears has begun!" Ki-Adi announced.  
  
***  
  
"Look whose cranky this morning," Plo announced.  
  
"Yah, it looks like two people woke up on the wrong side of the sleeping bag this morning," Ki-Adi chimed in.  
  
'Its not our fault that some kids blew our tents up with fireworks!" Mace exclaimed.  
  
"Yah, well at least our fireworks helped burn off all the weight you put on last night," Ki-Adi replied.  
  
"Our fireworks?" Adi asked, suspicious.  
  
"You imbecile!" Plo exclaimed.  
  
"Oops!" Ki-Adi replied.  
  
"Get them!" Mace yelled as Adi and he ran after the fleeing Plo and Ki-Adi.  
  
***  
  
"Now its time to canoe back to the ship," Mace announced.  
  
"C.c.canoe?!" Adi exclaimed in fear. "In the water?!"  
  
"Yes, in the water," Mace replied. "Where else would you canoe?"  
  
"B.b.but, what if I fall in?!" Adi asked.  
  
"Its only water, Adi," Mace replied.  
  
"Its water! I could drown!" Adi shrieked.  
  
"It's the same stuff that makes up over half of your body," Mace explained.  
  
"There's water inside of me?! Get it out of me!" Adi screamed as she began to claw at her stomach.  
  
Mace signaled to Plo for him to knock Adi out. The three masters got into their canoes, carrying Adi along with them. They started down the river, but before they went one mile, they realized they had made one fatal mistake. There was a waterfall between them and their ship.  
  
As the masters went over the waterfall, Adi screamed, "I told you water wants to kill you!"  
  
***  
  
Plo Koon pulled himself from the water and surveyed his surroundings. He was the only survivor of the four masters.  
  
"Darn, you all didn't die!" a small, green midget exclaimed. "I put that waterfall there to kill all four of you!"  
  
"Who are you?" Plo asked.  
  
"I am Darth Yoda, Dark Lord of the Sith," the midget replied. "Now, my plankton army will destroy you!"  
  
Hundreds of giant, mutant plankton emerged from the water and charged Plo . only to try to rub Plo to death.  
  
"Oops. I guess this batch came without teeth and claws," Darth Yoda exclaimed.  
  
"Now, Sith, you will die," Plo announced.  
  
Plo withdrew a guitar from his robes, grabbed a guitar pick from his pocket, and began into Alive.  
  
"Nooooo! It's the guitar and pick of the light side!" Darth Yoda screamed.  
  
"The guitar of the light side with built in amp!" Plo corrected.  
  
As Plo played, Darth Yoda and his plankton army disintegrated one by one, until they were all a pile of ashes. 


	8. Job Interview

Chapter 8: Job Interview  
  
"Ooooooooooooo! A Z-72 fighter craft!" Anakin announced as he hopped up and down.  
  
Obi-Wan had endured these antics for the entire walk from their ship to the Jedi Temple. Now, with the temple in sight, Obi-Wan had had enough. Not only had he put up with Anakin's antics, he had also had to squeeze into the cockpit of the Z-80, which was made for one person, with the boy.  
  
"Anakin, I've had enough! Now you will die!" Obi-Wan exclaimed as he pushed Anakin out of the hover car.  
  
"Oooh, splatter painting. Pretty," the hover car pilot admired.  
  
"Thank you," Obi-Wan replied.  
  
***  
  
"Masters, I have found a virgince in the force," Obi-Wan announced.  
  
"Around a person?" one master asked.  
  
"Yes," Obi-Wan replied.  
  
"Bring him here. We will test him," another master ordered.  
  
"I can't," Obi-Wan replied.  
  
"Why not?" the first master asked.  
  
"He annoyed me, so I pushed him out of the hover car," Obi-Wan replied.  
  
"I see," the first master replied.  
  
"We have a mission for you," a third master announced. "Go find and kill Qui-Gon Gin. He is a Sith Lord."  
  
As Obi-Wan bowed and left the, a new council member asked, "Why did you tell Obi-Wan that Qui-Gon is a Sith Lord, when he is not?"  
  
"We send Obi-Wan from place to place killing people and telling them that they are Sith so that skitsofrenic freak will stay away from the temple as much as possible," a senior master. "Did you think all those other people we sent him to kill were Sith too? We all know the Sith have been extinct for millennia."  
  
"I see," the new master replied. "Except for Obi-Wan."  
  
***  
  
"So we meet again, Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan announced to his former master.  
  
"That name has no meaning to me!" Qui-Gon yelled. "My name is Darth Gin!"  
  
"Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon, ." Obi-Wan chanted.  
  
"Lalalalalala..! I'm not listening!" Darth Gin yelled.  
  
"This childish bickering will get you nowhere!" a man in a plaid shirt yelled.  
  
"Who are you?" Obi-Wan and Darth Gin asked in unison.  
  
"I'm George Lucas, the director of this film. The script says that you are to have a duel right now," the figure replied.  
  
"That means," Obi-Wan whispered.  
  
"Yah, that means," Darth Gin whispered back.  
  
"Cook off!" Obi-Wan and Darth Gin yelled in unison.  
  
"This will be interesting," George Lucas replied. 


	9. Did You Ever Wonder

Chapter 9: Did You Ever Wonder  
  
"Red Flight, we have skips in the asteroid field," Wedge announced. "You see em, Tych?"  
  
"I see em, but I've never seen so many away from a warship analog," Tycho replied. "It has to be a trap."  
  
"Wes, Hobbie, what's holding you two up?" Wedge asked.  
  
"It seems another strike force is here," Wes replied. "The Falcon is tangoing with it."  
  
"More Yuuzan Vong?" Tycho asked.  
  
"No, it's a ship of unknown type," Wes replied. "It's not alive, I can tell you that much. Its huge, and it doesn't have many fighters."  
  
"But its weapons could blow the falcon out of space with one shot," Hobbie announced. "We're not gonna die, .. yet."  
  
"Why, that's the most positive thing I've ever gotten out of Hobbie. Ever," Wedge announced.  
  
"Tycho, what have you done with Hobbie, and who is this imposter?!" Wes yelled.  
  
"Cut the chatter, Red 3. We're entering the furball," Wedge announced.  
  
"Which one?" Tycho asked.  
  
"Both," Wedge replied. "The Falcon and the unknown ship have entered the asteroid field.  
  
***  
  
Han had thought that it would be an easy run. All he had to do was run into the system, take some readings, and then run right out. Who knew that the mysterious ship would be there waiting for him. Now, he was fighting the unknown ship, as well as the Yuuzan Vong garrison.  
  
Han put the ship through a corkscrew and a power dive, never keeping the ship going on any single course for more than a second. This made it harder for Jacen and Luke, who were in the gunwales, to hit skips, but their Jedi reflexes had allowed them to take out quite a few skips so far.  
  
"Red Flight is entering the furball," a voice announced over the comm.  
  
"Wedge?" Han asked. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I was on patrol when we had to blind jump out of a Yuuzan Vong trap," Wedge replied.  
  
"Yah, that's happening more and more often these days," Han replied. "How many you got?"  
  
"It's just me, Tycho, Wes, and Hobbie," Wedge replied.  
  
"Watch out for that ghost ship," Han replied. "It packs quite a punch."  
  
"Is that Luke and Jacen in the gunwales?" Wedge asked.  
  
"Yep," Han replied.  
  
Two skips latched onto the Falcon and started pounding it with shot after shot. Han tried every maneuver he knew, but he still could not shake the skips.  
  
"Someone get these skips off me!" Han yelled. "This group must have an elder of a yammosk to have such well coordinated skips!"  
  
Suddenly both skips exploded in balls of fire.  
  
"Looks like you could use a little help," Mara announced.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Han asked.  
  
"I felt something was wrong, so I came over to help," Mara replied. "When I left in the Jade's Shadow, Jaina, Corran, Gavin, and Ooryl followed me. Those were Corran and Jaina's shadow bombs."  
  
"We're going by the designation Jedi flight to avoid disruption," Gavin announced. "We got a plan?"  
  
"Don't die," Wedge announced. "And take out anything that shoots at you."  
  
Gavin clicked his comm and order, "Jedi flight, break by wing mates and fire at will."  
  
Gavin and Jaina dove into the center of the furball, and then corkscrewed to the left to avoid fire from a frigate analog.  
  
"Sticks, we've got that frigate analog," Gavin announced. "I'll distract it with one of my torpedoes while you unload as many shadow bombs as you need."  
  
Jaina clicked her Mike as she separated from Gavin and dove under the frigate analog.  
  
Gavin waited three seconds before firing a proton torpedo and looping away from the frigate. As the frigate analog exploded, Gavin put all power to his engines and rode the shockwave away from the quickly disintegrating furball.  
  
***  
  
"Has anyone seen Jaina or that ghost ship?" Han asked.  
  
"I was her wingman, but we got separated after she blew that frigate analog," Gavin announced.  
  
"She didn't blow the frigate analog, Gavin," Corran announced.  
  
"If she didn't, what did?" Gavin asked.  
  
"The ghost ship fired something at the frigate analog. Ooryl is not sure what it fired, put it looked like some sort of particle," Ooryl announced.  
  
"That means she is still out there!" Han exclaimed. "She could be dead in space! We have to get her!"  
  
"Calm down, Han. I saw her floating in space and picked her up," Mara announced. "She got hit by one of the skips before she could fire her shadow bombs."  
  
"I'm alright, dad," Jaina announced.  
  
Suddenly the nearest asteroid exploded into a thousand shards of rock.  
  
"Evasive maneuvers!" Han yelled as he brought his ship up to combat speed. "Everyone out of the asteroid field."  
  
"Anyone who took damage, get out of here!" Wedge ordered. "You will only be targets for this unknown ship!"  
  
"Han, I've been watching this ship," Corran announced. "It can only fire from the front and rear. If we keep out of its front and rear arcs, we can avoid all its fire."  
  
"It's a plan," Han announced.  
  
Suddenly, a large tye-dyed cruiser entered the system through a gap in space.  
  
"Reinforcements?" Han asked.  
  
"I don't think so," Corran replied as the cruiser demolished the ghost ship with one salvo. "That looks like Jimi's flagship."  
  
"Jimi Hendrix? You know him?" Han asked in amazement.  
  
"We're best buds," Corran exclaimed.  
  
"You, Corran, baby. Is that you?" Jimi asked.  
  
"Sure is, Jimi," Corran replied.  
  
"You sure are foxy, Corran. Jus for your information, that foxy ship I shot down was the Starship Enterprise," Jimi replied. "Anyway, I've got to go. I took a wrong turn somewhere, and I have to get to a concert. You know how to get to Wayland, baby?"  
  
"Sure do, Jimi," Corran replied. "Just make a left at Hoth and go straight." 


	10. Tastes Just Like Chicken

Chapter 10: Tastes Just Like Chicken  
  
"Here's your host, George Lucas!" Ed McMahon announced.  
  
"Hello everyone, and welcome to Cook-Off-Duel-Of-Death, the only show where two contestants cook to the death," George announced. "Today's contestants are Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Darth Gin. Obi, tell me a little about yourself."  
  
"Well, my name is Obi-Wan, and I'm gonna give that caped maniac, Darth Gin, the wupping he deserves," Obi-Wan announced.  
  
"Ok," George replied. "Darth Gin, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?"  
  
"My name is Darth Gin, and I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. Don't call me Qui- Gon!" Darth Gin. "And Obi-Wan, you're the only maniac here!"  
  
"Ok," George replied. "Now, let's start the show with four famous words, contestants, start your fires!"  
  
The air exploded with fire as Obi-Wan and Darth Gin tossed lit matches onto their cooking appliances.  
  
"We have Obi-Wan with a gas grill, cooking baby-back ribs and baked potatoes," George announced. "While on the other side, we have Darth Gin with an oven cooking a nice tuna and liver casserole."  
  
"Obi-Wan seems to be going for the death by charcoal approach, George," Rick McCallum announced from the announcer booth.  
  
"Yah, Rick," George replied as he entered the booth. "Darth Gin, on the other hand, seems to think that he will be able to survive eating the severely burned ribs, and wants to kill Obi-Wan by making him eat the casserole."  
  
"I'm betting on Obi-Wan. That temple food has got to be worse than what Gin is cooking, and if Obi-Wan survived that, he can survive the casserole," Rick announced.  
  
"I have got to go with Gin on this one, Rick," George announced. "The tuna and liver casserole is one of the secret weapons of the sith. The Jedi don't even have the recipe."  
  
Suddenly water sprayed across the set, putting out Obi-Wan's grill.  
  
"It looks like Gin has put out Obi's grill, Rick," George announced.  
  
Suddenly a blue light saber blade flared up through the smoke. A rush of flame emerged from the blade and shot towards Darth Gin, scorching him.  
  
"Looks like Obi-Wan used his saber to restart his grill and to help overcook his ribs," Rick announced.  
  
"Is that legal?" George asked.  
  
"It's perfectly legal," Rick replied.  
  
Suddenly a buzzer sounded, and George yelled, "Time is up!"  
  
Sprinklers sprayed across the set, putting out the fires, and the air filters sucked up all the smoke. As the smoke finally cleared, the audience began clapping, seeing that the entire set had been demolished.  
  
"Now, let's see your food," George announced. "Hmmm, it seems that your casserole has been reduced to ash, Darth Gin. You must have taken it out when Obi-Wan restarted his grill. Now, Obi-Wan, it seems that your ribs have been perfectly overcooked. Now it is time for the final part of the show. You both must now eat the other contestant's meal."  
  
Obi-Wan reached for Darth Gin's casserole dish of ashes, and swallowed the whole thing in one gulp.  
  
Smiling, Obi-Wan announced, "Tastes just like chicken!"  
  
Darth Gin reached for Obi-Wan's scorched baby-back ribs and took a deep breath. He knew that he most likely would not survive eating them. He took the ribs, and ate them all at once, shoving them down his throat. He swallowed, and then smiled. They had been pretty good. And then his face began to turn purple. And then green. And then neon orange.  
  
"What did you do?" Darth Gin asked.  
  
"You should know," Obi-Wan replied. "It's your recipe."  
  
"You used the sacred death rib recipe?" Darth Gin gasped as he died.  
  
"Sure did," Obi-Wan replied.  
  
As Obi-Wan walked offstage, Ed McMahon yelled, "We have a winner!" 


	11. The True Menace of the Galaxy

Chapter 11: The True Menace of the Galaxy  
  
Plo strummed his guitar, playing his best throughout Voodoo Child, Foxy Lady, and Purple Haze. The band sounded great, and the crowd cheered their heads off.  
  
"Foxy Koon, go for a guitar solo!" Jimi yelled. "I broke a string!"  
  
Plo began into Sunshine of Your Love, and the crowd went wild. Suddenly, a figure in jet black armor jumped offstage and ignited a red light saber.  
  
"Darth Vader?" Plo asked as he finished his solo.  
  
"No, I am Darth Writer's Block!" the figure yelled.  
  
"You are the most evil of all evil!" Plo yelled. "You will die."  
  
As Plo ignited his light saber, all the lights went off. The only things Plo could see where his yellow blade and DWB's red blade.  
  
"Let's make this slightly more interesting," DWB announced.  
  
"Everyone get off the stage!" Plo yelled as he reached out with the force, feeling everyone and everything on the stage.  
  
Plo advanced on DWB, using the force to sense obstacles in his way and then leap over them or go around them. Suddenly an amp flew towards Plo, but he felt it coming and ducked underneath. A cymbal followed the amp, but Plo dissected it with one small slice.  
  
"Your cheap tricks will not defeat me," Plo announced.  
  
"Aah, but they will," DWB announced. "Your overconfidence will be your undoing."  
  
"And your short memory will be yours," Plo replied. "Or did you not forget that the Sith hate you as well, and that you are standing in a room full of Sith?"  
  
"The Sith will not interfere," DWB announced as he slashed at Plo's head.  
  
"That is only partially true," Plo replied as he parried DWB's blow and retaliated with a slash at DWB's legs. "They will interfere if you leave the stage."  
  
"Then I will not leave the stage," DWB replied as he leaped over Plo's blade and landed behind Plo's back.  
  
Plo brought his blade behind his head to block a quick slash from DWB, and then rolled to the left to avoid a heavy blow that would have bisected him from head to groin. He then brought his blade around in a feint towards DWB's head, followed by a quick slash towards DWB's stomach. DWB raised his blade towards his head, but could not bring his blade down quick enough to block Plo's blow to the stomach. As Plo dissected him, DWB lost control of his dark side energy and exploded in ball of bright blue fire.  
  
"The Galaxy is finally rid of that menace," Plo announced.  
  
"Plo! Plo!" the crowd cheered as Plo crowd surfed across the Sith. 


	12. Gin Gets Clipped

Chapter 12: Gin Gets Clipped  
  
Darth Gin took a step into the pitch black room, his senses extending to encompass the entire room. He heard a sliding sound behind him, and then as quickly as he extended his senses, they closed back in on himself.  
  
"So the Jedi have finally perfected the force-blocking walls," Darth Gin thought to himself as he brought himself into a fighting stance.  
  
Darth Gin heard the vibroaxe cutting through the air towards his head mere seconds before he rolled out of the way. As he rolled, he ignited his light saber just in time for its blade to catch a vibroblade flying through the air. As Darth Gin came back up to his feet he brought his blade around in a low horizontal slash that took two assailants out at the knees. Then, hearing more assailants, Gin shut off his red light saber blade and ducked into a shadowy alcove.  
  
Gin heard the noise of several humanoids passing through to where he had been standing. Suddenly Gin's connection to the force returned, and the humanoids turned their heads towards Gin's hiding place.  
  
"Damn those removable shields," Gin swore to himself as he reignited his red light saber.  
  
As his blade ignited, four other blades ignited, two blue, and two green.  
  
"Aah, Jedi," Gin whispered. "This will make it more interesting.  
  
Gin charged toward the Jedi, only to have his charge met by one of the blue- light saber wielding Jedi. Darth Gin pressed into the Jedi's mind, only to find his probe met by one into his mind.  
  
"Aah, Obi-Wan," Darth Gin announced. "You were always a good student with the light saber. Lets see if you learned anything."  
  
"I don't need to prove anything to you!" Obi-Wan yelled.  
  
"You're right," Gin replied. "Because you already have."  
  
Gin brought his blade around in a diagonal slash that dissected his old padawan from shoulder to stomach.  
  
"You still haven't learned to block," Gin finished.  
  
Turning to the other three Jedi, Gin charged. The other three Jedi fought valiantly, but they still fell to the power of a fully trained Sith Lord.  
  
"The Jedi will never be able to stop me!" Gin exclaimed. "Maybe I'll shave my hair for the occasion!"  
  
Gin stepped into a refresher station and turned on the light. He stepped in front of the mirror and admired his face. Then he picked up a pair of hair clippers and began to shave his head. However, he quickly noticed that the clippers were not cutting just his hair. In fact, they began to eat right through his head!  
  
"Aah! Get it off me!" Gin screamed.  
  
"Die, Sith!" the clippers yelled.  
  
***  
  
"That was an incredible idea of sicking the clippers on the sith, Bant," Plo congratulated. "I would never had thought of the feud between the Sith and the Hair Clippers. In fact, it was so brilliant, that I have decided to take you as my Padawan learner."  
  
"Me?" Bant asked. "I'm honored."  
  
"This means only one thing," Plo replied. "Jimi?"  
  
"Jedi party!" Jimi yelled as he ignited his purple light saber. "Three Jedi and a night full of fun!" 


	13. Three Drunk Jedi and a Planet’s Supply o...

Chapter 13: Three Drunk Jedi and a Planet's Supply of Whyren's Reserve  
  
"Bartender, another round for the house on me," Jimi announced.  
  
Jimi took his Whyren's Reserve and drank the entire tankard in one gulp, letting it burn all the way down its throat.  
  
"You know what, Jimi," Plo announced. "This is so great, we shouldn't hog all the fun for ourselves."  
  
"Yah, lets share it!" Bant replied in a slur, completely drunk after only one tankard of whiskey.  
  
"Let's go share with the Senate!" Jimi replied.  
  
"Party at the Senate building!" Bant yelled.  
  
***  
  
"The Spade Federation has been complaining about the loss of its Viceroy to an unknown ship for a week now, and the Senate has not done anything," one of the representatives of the Spade Federation announced. "We are still placing all the blame on Naboo, and we want something done about it."  
  
"As we said earlier, since the planet Naboo was destroyed, we cannot punish the people of Naboo," Chancellor Valorum announced. "What do you want me to do?"  
  
"Sue the dead people from Naboo!" the representatives of the Spade Federation yelled.  
  
The yelling from the representatives of the Spade Federation was interrupted by the snap-hiss of light saber and the sound of melting metal as three light sabers cut through the door to the Senate room. As the Senate room door fell off its hinges to the ground, three Jedi sprung into the room, followed by a mob of criminals and drunks.  
  
"Party in the Senate chamber!" Bant yelled.  
  
"Bring out the music!" Plo yelled.  
  
"Better yet, bring out the Whyren's Reserve!" Jimi yelled.  
  
Blaring music started blasting over the Senate chamber's sound system and people came in carrying giant barrels of Whyren's Reserve imported directly from Corellia.  
  
"Chancellor Valorum, what are we going to do about this madness?" one senator asked.  
  
"If you can't beat em, join em," Chancellor Valorum.  
  
"We agree," the Senators from the Spade Federation announced as they began to dance to the music in their Senate booth.  
  
***  
  
"Tahl, we are sending you and three apprentices, Garen Muln, Reeft, and your Padawan, Siri, out on an important mission," the Jedi Council announced. "There is extremely loud dance music coming from the Senate chamber, and we want you to find out if there is still room for the Jedi to crash the Senate's party."  
  
"Will do," Tahl replied. "Come on, you three."  
  
As Tahl stepped into the Senate Chambers, she felt that the party was missing something.  
  
"Come quick," Tahl announced to the Jedi Council over her comlink. "This party needs more Jedi help!" 


	14. Webs of Intrigue

Chapter 14: Webs of Intrigue  
  
"Well, you did tell him that he needed a hobby," Adi announced.  
  
"But I didn't expect him to go this far," Mace replied. "And I didn't expect him to suck Ki-Adi into it as well."  
  
"Its not that bad," Adi consoled. "At least it will keep him from meddling as much."  
  
"I'm not so sure," Mace replied. "It's not like him to choose something this odd. I'm afraid that he might still be under the influence of the Dark Side. What if he is still a Sith?"  
  
Mace and Adi peered through a window slit into the room where Yoda and Ki- Adi sat, rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.  
  
"I think that he has turned from the Dark Side," Adi replied. "He looks so calm sitting there, sewing and knitting."  
  
"I guess so," Mace replied.  
  
***  
  
"It has begun, my apprentice," Darth Yoda announced.  
  
"The Jedi believe that you have turned from the Dark Side?" Darth Mundu asked.  
  
"Yes, the fools have been fooled. They don't even suspect that you have turned as well," Darth Yoda replied. "The other Sith are prepared to act on our command."  
  
"And the Great Ones?" Darth Mundu asked.  
  
"Are prepared," Darth Yoda replied.  
  
"Then the prophecy will be fulfilled," Darth Mundu replied. "We will finally have our revenge on the Jedi."  
  
***  
  
"You overweight trashcan, you cannot run for Chancellor!" C-3PO yelled.  
  
"Why not? Where does it say that in the Republic constitution?" R2-D2 asked in a deep, male voice.  
  
"Why have you never talked before?" C-3PO asked, flustered.  
  
"There was never anything good to talk about," R2 replied.  
  
"Even if you can talk, no one will ever elect you as Chancellor!" C-3PO replied.  
  
"Oh shut off," R2 replied. "Permanently."  
  
R2 rolled straight towards C-3PO, pushing him off the ledge of a Coruscant sky-scraper.  
  
***  
  
[1 Week Later]  
  
"R2-D2 has been elected the Chancellor of the Senate, and Valorum has been elected Speaker of the House," a tally droid announced.  
  
"I will protect the Republic from my brethren," R2 thought to himself. 


	15. Oops! We Almost Forgot Jar Jar!

Chapter 15: Oops! We Almost Forgot Jar Jar!  
  
Jar Jar moaned. He could no longer see the holes in his torso where his arms and legs had been because his eyes had been torn out. He could no longer smell the burning flesh because his nose and nasal cavity had been melted. They had left his ears so that he could hear them talk and so that he could hear his own screams.  
  
Footsteps sounded outside his door. Two people, one with normal shoes, and one with steel toed boots. The footsteps got closer and closer, until they stopped. Jar Jar heard the creak of his door opening, and then more footsteps coming up to him.  
  
"Jar Jar, you have a visitor," his Sith torturer announced.  
  
Jar Jar moaned again.  
  
"Hello Jar Jar. Obi-Wan informed me that you are to be tortured, and since he is now dead, I will see to that," a voice announced.  
  
"Whosa are yousa?" Jar Jar gasped.  
  
"I am Plo Koon," the voice replied.  
  
"Now, Jar Jar," the Sith torturer announced, "it is time for your tongue."  
  
"No, no! Not mesa tongue!" Jar Jar screamed.  
  
***  
  
Jar Jar moaned through his tongue less mouth.  
  
"Aah, you're awake," the Sith torturer announced. "Master Koon says that it is time for the final stage."  
  
Jar Jar moaned something that sounded something like "final stage?".  
  
"Yes, Jar Jar, the final stage," Plo announced. "Have you ever heard of the planet Yavin 4?"  
  
Jar Jar shook his head no.  
  
"Well, on the planet Yavin 4, there is a species of insects called Piranha Beetles. I am going to introduce you to these Piranha Beetles," Plo Koon announced. "And then you shall die."  
  
Plo and the Sith Torturer left the room and sealed the door behind them. Jar Jar heard the sound of a door opening above his head. Then he heard the sound of hundreds of tiny wings. And then the agony began.  
  
Plo and the Sith Torturer watched Jar Jar through a one way window.  
  
"The Piranha Beetles are quite fascinating, aren't they?" Plo asked.  
  
"Yes, they are. I love the way they devour the nonessential parts first," the Sith Torturer replied. 


End file.
